How Do I Tell Him I Want a Divorce?

This could possibly be one of the toughest questions I have ever received, but I am going to do my best to try to give you some of my thoughts and suggestions.

First of all, is your husband aware of your unhappiness? Does he have any idea of what could be coming? If not, I don’t think I would come right out and ask for a divorce. In this case, I would try talking to him. I would start with, “Would it be possible for you and I to sit down and talk about our relationship? I am feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in our marriage, and I want to hear how you are feeling.”

This way, you get to see where his head is, based on his reaction. If he gets upset and starts screaming at you, then he is obviously unhappy, as well. If he is utterly shocked, then maybe he will be up for talking once he absorbs what is happening. I mean, is there any way you’d consider trying to work it out if he was on board with that? He also might say, “I am unhappy, too,” and it could lead to some productive communication.

I will say this. People always say marriage is hard, and I agree. Sort of. It’s not really hard, but it is hard work. What I mean by that, is (and this isn’t just for marriage, but for any relationship) the two people have to be committed to keeping it alive, keeping it sexy, keeping it honest, staying best friends, and that is done through good communication.

In a marriage, the marriage HAS TO BE your number one priority in life. It needs to be nurtured, like you never want it to die. It needs to be fed. What that means is both people making sure the other is happy, sticking by that person when they are sick or in a bad place, being happy for the person and showing support when things are good, and of course, making sure the other always knows he or she is loved and that you have their back. It’s not easy because it takes effort. But it IS easy if you want to make that effort.

Now, let’s say you are so past this point. You are done. The two of you have talked until you are blue in the face and in your mind, there’s no going back. So, how do you tell him you want a divorce?

Gently. Kind. And in a caring way. But, the fact remains that whatever words you use will undoubtedly translate to “I want a divorce.” Examples: “I think I might want a divorce,” “I think we should talk about our future,” “I’m not happy.” “I think I might want to separate.” “I think we should take some time apart.” He will interpret all of these things as “I want a divorce.”

It will hurt him, shock him, destroy the ground beneath him. And that is so so very sad, but the reality is, every divorce started with someone saying those words.

One more thing. The fact that you wrote to me and asked me, “How do I tell him I want a divorce,” shows me that you care. If you didn’t, you’d have already done it and you wouldn’t want my advice. That says a lot.

So, ask yourself if you are sure about this, or if you think the two of you might be able to get back the love you once had. Maybe instead of “I want a divorce,” you could try, “I want to work on our marriage?”

Constantly Fighting About Money With Your Spouse?

Does this conversation sound familiar?

Wife: “Honey, I need money.”

Husband: “What for?”

Wife: “What do you mean, ‘What for?’ To pay bills!”

Husband: “I’ve never seen anyone spend more money than you.”

Wife: “Stop being so cheap.”

Husband: “All I do is work to make money and all you do is spend!”

Wife: “What about raising your children? Who does that?!”

Husband: “I’m just saying, could you try to spend less and save more?”

Wife: “You’re clueless. You have no idea how much things cost.”

It’s a well known fact that the number one reason couples fight is money. But, according to Elaine Koby Moss, discussing finances with your spouse doesn’t have to feel like you’re in a boxing ring with gloves on.

Moss, who is a vice-president at the Chicago investment advisory firm, Vestor Capital,has spent the last 25 years in the financial industry and has worked with hundreds of couples to alleviate fear, stress and conflict when it comes to financial planning and saving.

I asked Moss why money is such a big issue of contention in some relationships and she gave three reasons:

1). Couples are coming together at an older age. Both parties are coming to the table with assets of their own, which is a change from generations past when couples formed at younger ages and built their wealth together. This causes both men and women to be more guarded and less willing to co-mingle funds in some cases.

2). One person might be earning significantly more or all of the family’s income. The imbalance can cause conflict because of resentment.

3). There might be differences in spending and/or saving habits. People come to a relationship with very different backgroundsand philosophies in regards to saving and spending. One person might be more of an investment risk taker, the other might prefer conservative investments. Sometimes it’s hard to understand the other’s rationale behind their investment choices.