Holding Your Loved Ones Tight

(To our reader, Amy, with love.  And for any parent who has been feeling more fear since Sandy Hook.)

In the last few weeks, mothers and fathers all over the world have been holding their children tight.  They're wondering if they could ever move on without their little ones.  Could they live.  And at the moment, could they even drop them off at school?

I've learned a lot about loss in my days here in New York.

I've lost a husband, I've lost the vision of a family, I've lost the possibility of many, many babies that I hoped to have.  I've had dear friends here lose their parents, even their precious children.  I lost nearly my entire life savings from 10 years of working and saving in New York for a future family.  The losses have come.  Losses that have brought heart ache like I've never known.  And yet, I'm still here.  I haven't died.  By some miracle (one that I work each day to share), I chose life.  I chose life for the ones I love and those I hoped to love...here on earth and those in heaven.  And as you can imagine, life has still been worth living!!!!  :)

I know people who have not chosen life in the face of a tragedy.  They have disintegrated.  But perhaps even more tragic, they have brought others down with them, including their spouses and their children and anyone who is in contact with them.  We heard a beautiful talk here in Brooklyn and the man said that after Hurricane Sandy, he discovered a tree that had fallen.  It's roots were not strong enough.  And when that powerful tree fell, it fell onto another tree...and that tree fell onto a roof and took out an entire house.  I loved this vision...the clear picture of what happens in life when we ourselves are not solid and well...when we live a life crippled by fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, negative thoughts about our personalities, abilities, or even looks, victim hood, hatred, blame, and more fear, fear, fear.  These things do not just poison us, they affect others around us, and possibly our entire household.

And so, the fear of losing a child.  The fear of death.  The fear of disease.  The fear of pain.  The fear of failure.  The fear of losing a spouse.  The fear of being single.  The fear of life not turning out the way we envisioned.  Do these things count?  Aren't we justified in feeling fears like these?!?  Aren't shootings and cancer and kidnappings and thoughts of losing our children or spouse worth living in crippling fear??  Can these fears really poison a life and a family?  I happen to know firsthand that they can.  These thoughts hold back full joy.  They hold back the full energy of love and harmony that could be flowing in your heart and in your home.  They prick children into having hesitation and wide eyes and shaky doubt instead of fearlessness and courage and empowerment.  And fear is, in fact, a "missing of the mark," a blockage of the the full flow of divinity and peace (in any circumstance) that is available to you.

And so - every single day as I say good-bye to the best husband I could ever imagine, someone who brings me more joy than I've ever known - with all I've got in me, I choose life.  I choose to dismiss my fears.  I choose to take a deep breath as he drives between multiple boroughs a day on some of the WORST roads and freeways in the entire country (hello, BQE, LIE, FDR and crazy drivers everywhere - you can't imagine.)  I choose to dismiss my fears of losing him so that I can live in his honor NOW and be the best I can be as a woman, a wife and his companion in this home.  It's the greatest offering of love I give him.  I do so out of gratitude for the blessing that he has been in my life.  I practice letting go of him.  I practice living, even if I were faced with doing so without him by my side.  It's hard for me to do this.  But I do so with every bit of love that I have.  And it has changed my life more than I could say.