On Changing My Name

I cannot even tell you how mad I was about the hassle of changing my name after the divorce. It was not one of my best moments...haha.  I don't think I was pursuing very many virtues while I sat on the wooden benches for hours at the courthouse.  eeks.  I guess the hassle of that moment seemed to represent to me the overall ugliness of divorce.  It's like an oil spill that leaks onto every bit of your life. Nothing goes untouched by it.  Honestly?  Getting divorced and trying to clean up the mess of it all felt like a full-time job on top of my full-time job (the Brooklyn courthouse is no picnic).  And then I had to seriously breath deep in the months and months (even a year?) following as I worked on getting all my accounts changed. 

I also sent this email to friends and family, announcing that I was changing my name....

Dear Friends,

Some of you may remember Mara Papa.
Well, SHE'S BACK!!!  :)

Please make note of my new & active email addresses:

xxxxxx

My home address in Park Slope will remain the same:

xxxxxx

Thanks and love to all,

Ms. Papa

I got the sweetest emails from people after I sent that note.

Once I got my name change straightened out, I was thinking at the time that there was NO WAY I was ever changing my name again.  Nooooo thank you.  It wasn't like I was a 20-year old with one suitcase to my name and one account at my local credit union.  I had mortgages, investments, a business, titles, deeds, accounts galore, etc.  

And then I met Danny.  hahha.  Well, it turns out that Danny and I knew very early on that we wanted to get married. :)  And I think the first time I visited Danny in Boston, he said to me, out of curiosity, "So, do you think you'll want to take my last name?"  hahha.  I was totally in lala land.  I mean, this dream man made it clear left and right that he had full intentions to MARRY ME.  It was seriously the best thing in the WORLD to never have to wonder.  [Sidenote: Even then, Danny and I felt so at one with each other that we actually already felt like a married couple!!  We commented and laughed about it all the time.  I think coming from "married mode" just made it so natural to feel in married mode again.]  Anyway, the idea of sharing Danny's name and having the same name as a family seemed really nice and natural. And so,  I happily decided that I would share Danny's last name.  I'm not quite sure how to write this, but also - I guess for me personally, it's more of a practicality thing.  My strength as a woman or my identity as a woman isn't so tied to my last name and didn't feel threatened by taking Danny's name.  I still feel connected just the same to my heritage, I still feel like me and a true individual, and I have a very strong personal identity. (But I can understand completely that other people may find greater emotional connection to their given names.)  For me personally, in the end, I guess having two last names would have felt excessive and unnecessary (though I support 100% the women who do like the idea of two last names! I think it's wonderful.)  Also, I'm all about simplifying things and I guess the idea of us each having a different last name seemed like it would complicate things (I could be wrong, though.)  I know Danny certainly would have been 100% fine if I had decided to keep my maiden name.  But I think he also liked the idea of sharing a family name with me.

Many, many of my friends have kept their maiden names after marriage or use two last names together. It's certainly wonderful that women get to choose their preference according to what feels more comfortable to them.

What is your preference and why?  Do you regret changing your name?  Do you find it complicated to have a different last name than your spouse or children? Is your identity or sense of self strongly tied to your last name?  Also, do you find you have an internal response or assumption about a married woman who has kept her last name or one who hasn't?  I wish we could all chat in person about this.  I'm so interested in your answers!! This topic fascinates me and friends and I have discussed it a bunch. Most of them wish they had kept their maiden names.  For me, I haven't regretted changing my name again. 

And for the men out there: How do feel about this?  I'd love your thoughts!! Do you like the idea of your wife having your same last name? Interestingly, both of my husbands asked me if I would take their names, making me think it was important to them. My first husband asked me about it in the second after he proposed.    

P.S.  If you do get divorced, you can actually have the divorce attorneys state in the documents your intention to change your name, which counts as an official name change.  This way you don't have to go change it with the court later.  How I wish I knew this when the divorce was getting finalized!